This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
