im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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