I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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