Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
