yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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