so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
a search helicopter?!
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize