wakey wakey hands off snakey
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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