I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
