she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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