When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
