You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
