Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
