it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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