Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
