If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
