DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He better not be in your backpack
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize