If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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