Umm I'm too high to move.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
