I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
