I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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