fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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