if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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