Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
im holly from the hills drunk
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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