ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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