I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
