Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
