the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
