You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize