if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize