My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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