nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
