No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
