if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
