I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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