how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize