I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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