please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Drunk is a universal language darling
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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