i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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