Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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