This girl is more easily done than said...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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