he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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