There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
