please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
