Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
