I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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