when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
