what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize