You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize