when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She bit a glass in half.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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