i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
