I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize