Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
