We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
