I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
