you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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