I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
So much rum. So many feels.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
