When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
