I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
