She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
