just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize