can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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