At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
