Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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