New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
