dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
