Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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