now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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