Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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