People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I queefed so loud it echoed.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize