I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
